just one of those days...

...typically everything in my life is pretty balanced. i'm busy but everything has its place and i'm able to juggle school, working, social life and everything else. but there are those days, like today, that just pop up from out of nowhere and blind side me. the days where i'm not satisfied. i'm lost...frustrated...inpatient...a sobbing mess. where everything i've pushed to the side to deal with later comes to the forefront and demands to be dealt with right then. it's the days where every rational thought flees from my mind and i indulge all of the negativity. on a good day i know that i have a lot to be proud of...people that love me...a bright future. but in the dark days i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...i can't figure out what i'm working so hard for...i don't feel like i have anything to show, to offer. days like today i feel like the most unaccomplished person alive and i'm tired of struggling. days like today i just want to lay down and wait for tomorrow.

some old friends...some new friends and a great sunday...

...was how my weekend went! spent time with t & j on friday...went to our old stand by...soup plantation...for dinner and then went back to the house and watched ellen stand up dvd's...it was exactly the relaxing night i needed. i hadn't seen them in a really long time and it was really nice to catch up and just talk smack.

the flame was interesting...i spent more time talking to the other people that my internet friend brought than her but it was fun. actually knew one of the friends from a book club event i'd gone to a couple of times. we spent time talking and dancing and drinking. it was nice to meet new people and laugh!

and then sunday! picked up my dad and v in the morning and we spent time walking around a really cool farmers market. we looked at jewlery...flowers...listened to music and checked out where all of the tasty smells were coming from. bought a few things and walked to baja bettys for lunch. V loved it! she got great mexican food, margaritas, a tiara, her picture taken with said tiara, plenty of gay boys fawning over her and offering her flowers! she was so excited and it was really fun to see. :) we walked around hillcrest and went shopping at buffalo exchange and babette schwartz. she was definately in her element and it was a really fun day. as we were leaving she asked me when we were going back. :) i think even though she won't admit it, she's excited that my mom isn't here because she'll get to spend more time with me. she's usually up for anything and fun to be with so i'm looking forward to the bonding. :)

im house-sitting this week(end)...

...and i love wireless internet! it SO beats logging onto my computer every night hoping i can pick up someone elses connection. it's nice to just turn on my computer and viola! internet!

this weekend i should be studying for my real estate law final that is tuesday. but any one who knows me, knows i don't do anything until the last minute. i tell myself i work better under pressure...yea...that's it. instead of studying, i went to dinner and spent time with friends last night...tonight i'm going to the flame with some more friends...tomorrow is mothers day and i'm spending time with my stepmom and dad. we are going to the farmers market and then having lunch at baja betty's...where for mothers day they are giving away tiaras for the moms and we'll have tasty margaritas! :) i'm so excited!

tonights outing promises to be full of new experiences, which apparently is the theme in my life lately! i've been friends with a girl that i met on the internet for a little over a year. the weird part is that we've never talked on the phone and never met in person. we've emailed each other pretty consistently over the year...been supportive of each other through crappy jobs, lost jobs, disappointments, relationship drama, life excitements...just everything we've gone through. she's always a supportive, objective voice whenever i'm trying to figure something out in life and i think i've been the same for her. we just never seemed to have the opportunity to get together. so tonight she's meeting some friends at the flame and she invited me. and i'm going. so besides the new experience of meeting like 6 people i don't know, i'm going to a lesbian bar for the first time since i came out. i'm a little nervous but i think it should be fun. i almost came up with some excuse not to go but when i sat down and thought about it i figured it was time to meet new people. my sister and mom are gone and now my best friend is moving to orange county. i can't just sit around...i need to get out there and meet new people. johnna is going with me for support :) and i think it should be fun! we'll see!

okay so when i said...

...that maybe there were great things out there that i was intended to accomplish after all this change i didn't quite mean right now! not sure why i did it now since i have 2 months left of my paralegal program but i applied for what is seemingly my dream job...only problem...it's in palm desert. it's working with a non-profit organization that provides services to women who have dealt with or are dealing with issues of domestic violence. one of the services they provide is legal assistance through their legal clinic and this is where i come in. they have a a paralegal/legal secretary position open that i am really interested in. it combines my degree in women's studies with my paralegal program. it represents all of my classes and volunteering and my ultimate goal when i started this crazy journey! the position was originally posted on march 21st. assuming that so much time had passed since the original posting, i figured it would for sure be filled and i was just sending my resume for their files and for positions possibly available in the future. i got a call today from the director of their legal clinic and she wants me to come out for an interview. an interview. just my luck that, like the girl, exactly what i want is so far away. and so ill timed. i mentioned my paralegal program still having two more months til completion and she said they were really looking for someone right away and could i adjust my program. i'm still going to go to the interview and see how things go. maybe they can wait for me...maybe something can be worked out...because i really want this job...but two months from now...

starting over...

...it's just as the title says...i'm starting over. it seems like every aspect of my life lately is at that point. i think i've gone through more changes in the past few months of 2005 than i did all of last year. i got a new job in january, i quit said new job in march, my parents sold my childhood home in march and moved to south dakota in april, my sister, brother in law, and niece left yesterday to follow the parents to south dakota, i came out to some friends and some family (well and now the entire internet), i joined the gym, i got a new job, i kissed a girl, my best friend and her husband are moving to orange county...and it's only the beginning of may! the next few months don't promise any sort of break for me either...the summer months will bring a completed paralegal program, a "real" career...possibly a new city will come with the "real" career...everything is so up in the air. i go back and forth between being really excited and really depressed. i feel like everything i'm comfortable with, all of my core people, has/have left me or will be soon. for someone that has always felt so independant, lately i've been feeling like the neediest person alive. i suppose i just feel like i could always accomplish anything with my mom or sister or best friend around and while i'm aware of the fact that they are only as far the other end of the phone or email, it just isn't the same. i can't just drop by for sleepy sunday mornings...going for donuts in our pajamas..arguing about who has to get out of the car..lounging around moms place, reading the paper and laughing...always laughing.

but maybe it's all for a reason...maybe there are some incredible things out there for me to accomplish and their leaving is just freeing me up for that. i won't be as apprehensive to leave because that same group isn't there anymore. i'm not leaving anyone behind...just moving on to something new. and new is good, right?