it's been a while...

...since i've been here. reading my last post makes me sad because it reminds me of everything that isn't there anymore and of all of the things that seem so far away. i know it'll be there again someday but right now it feels like i'll be alone forever.

some part of me likes that idea. of never having to consider anyone else. doing strictly what makes me happy when i want to. i've even considered the idea of having a baby on my own and been sort of thrilled about picking a name only i like it and raising him or her however i choose.

but the other part wants someone there to go through the new baby craziness with. to rub my back when i don't feel well. and someone to stay in pajamas with on a sunday while time passes making breakfast and sharing sections of the paper. and someone to call first when some thing really exciting happens in my life. they don't have to be perfect...they just have to be perfect for me.